


What if I Said it?

by serohtonin



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: 90's Music, Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Feels, Boyband, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity, M/M, Miscarriage, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, RPF, Underage Drinking, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:03:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21850417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: Nick loves his life. He does. But he can’t help wondering what might have been. Set in early 2019, among other time periods. Inspired by and title taken from Backstreet Boys’s song “Chateau.”Disclaimer: I do not claim that any of the romantic relationships between any of the men are the truth. This is a work of fiction from my own mind. All songs and albums are credited to their respective owners, writers, producers, and performers, and all likenesses belong to the real individuals mentioned.
Relationships: Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	What if I Said it?

Nick sits at a table towards the back of the Chateau Marmont, waiting for Brian to meet him. He had made a reservation at the famed Los Angeles restaurant within the hotel of the same name for one in the afternoon and it was already 1:15. He clenches and unclenches his fists nervously while tapping his foot a few times. Anxiety had flowed through him from the moment he asked his best friend to a lunch date, shortly before they were to head off on tour again for their newest album with their bandmates. He knew Brian wouldn’t think anything of it, since they hung out away from the other guys every once in a while. Besides, why not hang out while they were finally in the same city again, even if it was for work?

But there was a time, ages ago, when they did more than hang out. Recently, Nick hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it either for some reason. He was happy with his wife, Lauren, and their young son (at least he thought he was); he and she had even discussed the possibility of trying to expand their family again after a tragic miscarriage. He knew Brian was very happy with Leighanne, his wife of nearly two decades, and their teenage son as well, the latter of whom was going to open for the Boys on their upcoming tour. So Nick wasn’t quite sure why he’d been thinking about what might have been if he pursued his romantic feelings for Brian back in the late 1990s, shortly after he turned eighteen.

It was early February 1998, to be more exact. They and the Boys were on the North American leg of their _Backstreet’s Back_ tour, playing shows and working hard to promote the release of their very first album in the U.S. Brian and Nick were exhausted after the Dallas show, but relieved that that would be the last show in the country for a bit. Then they would have a brief break before they flew to South America for a couple of dates and jetted back to the States again. It was a grind so they, along with the rest of the band and some of the crew shut down a local club to celebrate and party. Naturally, this involved alcohol, even for Nick (although he wasn’t of age in his home country, it had hardly been his first time drinking). It was a fun night where all of the Boys stumbled back to their hotel in the early morning hours. While Kevin crashed for the night in his own room, Howie went back to his own room to have a private phone conversation with his then-girlfriend, and A.J. went back to his room awaiting a guest, Nick and Brian decided to hang out at Nick’s room and keep the party going. After sharing a bit of laughter and a few bottles from the mini-bar, their chat quickly turned serious, with Brian discussing some important news he had discovered from his doctors.

Brian said he had been born with heart problems and that he’d need surgery soon to fix it. He didn’t know how he’d get away from their busy schedule long enough to have the recovery time he needed. The band’s manager and other personnel urged him to wait because he couldn’t be absent from the tour or from recording the next album. He knew that their money was on the line and so was Brian’s job. He had to look after himself but he couldn’t let them, his bandmates, or the fans down. He revealed that he had told his brother and his parents but he hadn’t told Kevin, his cousin and his and Nick’s bandmate, nor had he told his own girlfriend of less than a year, who would later become his wife. But at that time, he wasn’t sure how or if it would strain his very new relationship with a woman that he really cared about. Blinking back tears, Brian was scared that no matter what he did, he would disappoint someone. And the longer he delayed the surgery, the worse he would get.

Nick reassured him that he’d be there for him. So would Kevin, Howie, and A.J. when Brian was ready to talk about it with them. Nick also told him that maybe Leighanne would support him, too.

Brian had just gulped and grew uncharacteristically quiet before he leaned his head on Nick’s shoulder. Then Nick brushed his lips against the top of Brian’s head and wrapped an arm around him. Usually, Brian was the one comforting Nick, providing some humor as a temporary escape from his chaotic family life. But after all the time they had spent together over the last few years, it felt natural to want to care for Brian in return.

It turned out that Brian had an idea of his own for how to escape and feel cared for that was going to change their relationship forever. One of Brian’s hands fell into Nick’s lap and Nick covered his other hand over Brian’s. Their joined hands drifted dangerously close to Nick’s inner thigh, stirring feelings in Nick that he had only felt when spotting a pretty girl in the crowd at one of the band’s shows. He ignored it at first, though, attributing it to stupid teenage hormones. But the more he held his friend, the stronger his feelings grew. Then, Brian purposely curved his hand over Nick’s thigh, right next to his groin.

_“Bri, do you know what you’re—?” Nick started._

_“Yeah, kinda.” Brian laughed hollowly. “If I can’t make myself feel better, I want to do somethin’ to forget, y’know?”_

_Nick nodded. “But I should be doing that for you. You-you’re the one who’s hurting.”_

_Brian raised his head and then cupped Nick’s cheek with his free hand. “Yeah, I know. I-I think I’ll be okay eventually but I really have no clue what’s gonna happen. I just don’t want to think anymore.”_

_“I’m sure you could find someone to help you out with that, Frick.” Nick grinned, using his friend’s nickname. “You could call up your new lady.”_

_“I could, Frack.” Brian reasoned. “But like I said, I don’t wanna think about this big health scare and I don’t wanna feel guilty for not tellin’ her. And how I can’t trust her enough to be honest with her yet.”_

_Nick blinked in realization, touched that Brian felt close enough to him to talk about the issue with him. “You’ve been honest with me, though.”_

_“Yeah, ’cause I trust you.”_

_“I get that, but I’m not exactly your type.”_

_Brian stroked Nick’s cheek with his thumb and laughed. “Not really, for obvious reasons, but you’re single and you’re lookin’ really good right now.”_

_“Seriously?” He asked, warmth flooding through him at the touch. “But, Leighanne.”_

_“She’s pretty amazing and she’s really good to me.” Brian’s eyes flickered across Nick’s face and settled on his lips for a brief moment. “But she’s not here. And I’d be blind not to notice you. The girls all go crazy every time they see you. And some guys too, I bet.”_

_“Only one guy at the moment.” Nick chuckled._

_“One guy brave enough and drunk enough to say it.”_

_“So you’re really gonna do this?”_

_Brian’s tongue darted out to lick his lips. “If you’re down.”_

_Nick studied his friend’s face intently, from his slightly open mouth and his cute, broad nose, to his deep blue eyes filled with some kind of emotion that Nick was too afraid to name back then._

_“Yeah,” Nick agreed, a thrill racing through him at Brian’s gaze. “On one condition.”_

_“What?”_

_“We can’t tell the guys. We take this secret to our graves.”_

_Brian rolled his eyes adorably. “Oh, Nicky, you’re so dramatic.”_

_“You promise though, Bri?”_

_“ ’Course. I’d promise you anything.”_

_With that, Nick closed the gap between their lips and kissed him, a feeling unlike any other he’d felt in his young life until then. His heart practically jumped out of his chest and suddenly, he understood the meaning behind the lyrics of all those ridiculous love songs he had been singing for most of his life. He wouldn’t admit it though. It was silly to feel like this after one kiss, wasn’t it?_

_They were just two friends seeking comfort in each other._

_They kissed and touched some more after that, Brian intimately exploring his body with skilled hands, a striking difference from the fumbling experiences that Nick had shared with a few girls. Nick knew then that maybe this could be something more, something real, if circumstances were different._

_But they weren’t. He and Brian were both supposed to be heterosexual young men who had to appear to be single to maintain their image and sell records; all the guys had to seem free and available._

_So Nick would take that night for what it was, would bury it in his memory, and cherish it forever, along with the friendship he knew he’d always have with Brian._

Although Nick wasn’t going to forget that night, he was prepared to let it go and chalk it up to one drunken mistake that he and Brian would laugh about later, if they ever brought it up to each other again. Brian would go back to his girlfriend and no one would ever know.

But then, Brian finally had to leave the tour to get his heart surgery. Nick’s own heart clenched, knowing that Brian had inevitably told his girlfriend and most likely Kevin and the rest of the Boys; it was no longer a secret between them. The Boys were forced to perform a few shows without him after that. Besides the uneasy changes in the tour schedule and in song arrangements, it selfishly hurt a bit that everyone else now knew about Brian’s struggle. Still, it was Brian’s health at risk, not his, and Nick knew that they all had to find out eventually.

But he and Brian had kept the intimate details of their drunken night secret, so at least Nick still had that. Nick also couldn’t forget that he knew about the surgery long before Brian had told some of his blood relatives. The feeling that their bond transcended even blood somewhat eased him, although he knew it was silly to feel hurt at all when Brian’s life was on the line.

While Brian was away, Nick began to feel a little more relieved that Brian was finally looking after himself. But that didn’t stop him from worrying so much. Soon, all he could think about was how much pain Brian might be in and what might happen if he didn’t make it. He didn’t want to spend another day not seeing that slight dimple in his left cheek when he smiled or hearing his ridiculous impressions of the other guys. When Brian rejoined the group, Nick realized his feelings might have run much deeper than he ever imagined.

He tried to hide it but when Brian came back on the road with them, he couldn’t deny the truth. He’d find himself staring a little too long when Brian flashed that smile in person to the crowd or when he threw his head back in laughter while they chatted with the rest of the guys on the tour bus. On top of these, a twinge of concern hit him every time Brian had to rush off stage and get air from oxygen tanks due to his lowered stamina. He felt like he wanted to hold him and never let go.

Aside from those vulnerable moments, he also couldn’t help sneaking glances at Brian when they quickly changed during a show. The angry red scar down the middle of Brian’s chest reminded Nick that he almost lost him but also how Brian’s then-unmarred skin had felt warm under his touch. He didn’t mind that it looked different and would probably feel different. He just wanted to feel that warmth again.

At first, Brian had looked at him with narrowed eyes, but Nick just blushed and said that Brian still looked great.

Brian blushed back and shot him a knowing grin.

Brian didn’t ask Leighanne to join him on tour so sometimes the grin felt like an invitation to Nick.

Words that A.J. had often repeated rang through Nick’s head as he approached Brian one night after a show.

_“‘What happens on tour stays on tour, bro.’”_

_“So I kind of miss you,” Nick started when Brian let him into his hotel room._

_“What are you talking about? You’ve seen me ever since I’ve been back and almost every day before that for the last few years.” Brian laughed._

_“That’s not what I mean, Frick.” He took a deep breath. “Do you remember that night that we were never going to talk about again?”_

_Brian’s eyes widened for a moment before he scrunched his eyebrows. “Which one?”_

_“I think you know the one. We got drunk after Dallas. and um, stuff happened,” he explained shyly, ducking his head and rubbing the back of his neck. “Stuff that we swore to take to our graves.”_

_Brian glanced down. “Oh, that one.”_

_“Yeah. I know I said we weren’t gonna talk about it ever again, but I think I kind of need to. I can’t-I can’t really explain why but I guess spending more time around you and nearly losing you a few weeks ago got me thinking about it. Don’t you ever think about it?”_

_“Losing me? What do you mean?”_

_“I think you know what I mean. The heart surgery. I was scared. You left for a little while and I didn’t know if you were gonna be okay and then I’d never be able to tell you the truth. But you came back on tour and I’m so glad you’re here and—”_

_“Oh, Nicky.”_

_Brian cut him off and brought him in for a hug, patting his back and then rubbing between his shoulders. Nick tucked his face into the crook of Brian’s neck and breathed him in, smelling the scent of the soap he had used when he showered after the show._

_“I missed you too, Frack. But I’m here now. I’m back and I’m not goin’ anywhere.” Brian kissed a spot near Nick’s temple._

_“You’re really important to me,” Nick mumbled, turning his head to press his cheek to Brian’s chest._

_“You’re really important to me, too.” Brian paused, his hands falling away from Nick. “But I, uh, you know I have a girlfriend, right?”_

_Nick lifted his head and stood back to look at Brian before he answered._

_“Yes, but that wouldn’t have stopped you from thinking about it. About us. I mean, if you ever were thinking about us. Unless I’m totally off base. I can just go. We can forget this conversation ever happened. Along with that night that never happened.”_

_Nick turned on his heel toward the door but Brian stopped him with a brief touch to his shoulder._

_“No, Nick, wait. It’s okay. You don’t need to forget anything. I’ve been thinkin’ about it, too. Almost dying has a way of puttin’ things into perspective,” Brian admitted seriously._

_At that, Nick paused and spun back around to face Brian, his solemn expression morphing into a grin._

_“Y’know I’ve seen you looking at me, even when you don’t think I know that you are. It’s kinda cute actually.”_

_“Cute, eh?”_

_Brian nodded. “Yeah, you’ve always been cute, even cuter since then. I’ve been tryin’ to forget, too, but I can’t. I like you.”_

_Nick smiled, the heat rising in his cheeks at the unexpected confession. “As a friend, or...?” he trailed off, needing clarification just to be sure that he heard correctly._

_“Well, I like your friendship, yeah.” Brian pulled him back in by the hand until their bodies practically touched. “But I like the other ‘stuff,’ as you said. I just don’t wanna hurt anyone else, Nicky.”_

_Nick’s hopes deflated. “Right. I totally understand.”_

_“Thanks for trustin’ me enough to bring this up.” Brian’s thumb rubbed back and forth over the veins in Nick’s wrist. “You know you can tell me anything.”_

_“Of course. You can tell me anything, too, Bri.”_

_“Which is why I wouldn’t be against exploring more of what happened that night that we don’t talk about, if that’s alright.”_

_Nick’s heart raced at Brian’s touch and his words. “Do you mean you’re down for a repeat?”_

_Brian’s eyes flickered up and down Nick’s frame. “As long we keep it between us again. No one has to know.”_

_Nick remembered A.J.’s inspirational quote and mentioned it with a smirk on his face. “‘What happens on tour, stays on tour.’ Right?”_

_Brian rolled his eyes. “I cannot believe you right now, quotin’ A.J. of all people.”_

_“But it applies, doesn’t it?”_

_Brian shrugged. “You’re not wrong.”_

_With their hands still joined, Nick kissed him first, just like the first night they had spent together. Brian deepened it and cupped Nick’s cheek with his free hand._

_Relief flooded through Nick at letting go of the thoughts and feelings that weighed on him and channeling them exactly how he wanted. He tried not to think about what the morning would bring and instead, to enjoy whatever happened._

That night kicked off their tour fling, where one or the other of them would sneak off to each other’s rooms late at night after a show at least once a week. Sometimes they would explore their physical relationship but sometimes they were so tired that they just slept in each other’s beds. The latter was especially true of Brian, since he was still recovering from the surgery and he got winded easily. Nick fell harder and harder and he swore Brian had been, too. So Nick feared the tour ending and what that would mean for them.

Inevitably, reality came crashing down one morning in early December 1998, a few weeks before the tour ended. Nick had come to, blinking away the brightness of a new day with Brian beside him. He rolled onto his side to find Brian turned away from him, quietly sobbing. Nick snuggled closer to him, his fingers grazing Brian’s still-pronounced scar on his chest as he curled his arms around Brian’s middle.

_He nuzzled against Brian’s neck and then asked, “What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothin’. I’ll be okay. It’s early. Go back to sleep, sweetheart.”_

_“Doesn’t sound like nothin’, Bri. C’mon, you can tell me anything. I-We mean a lot to each other.”_

_“Yeah, we do.” Brian sighed and stiffened in Nick’s arms. “Everything is so messed up.”_

_“It is, but let’s not think about that. Let’s enjoy ourselves before you have to sneak back to your room.” Nick’s lips brushed against Brian’s shoulder. “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, though. We can just be like this.”_

_“I-I’d like that,” Brian murmured as Nick stroked a hand up and down Brian’s side._

_Brian relaxed, his breath steadying with each pass of Nick’s hand. They fell into a comfortable silence for a few long moments. Then, Nick hooked his chin over Brian’s shoulder and Brian broke the silence between them._

_“I don’t-I don’t want this tour to end. I don’t want to lose you, Nicky.”_

_“You won’t lose me. We’ll always have each other’s backs, y’know?”_

And you’ll always have my heart, _Nick had wanted to add but left the words hanging on his tongue. Instead, he pulled away from him and let Brian speak once more._

_“Yeah, but it won’t be like this, like how we are now. We agreed that this was going to end when the tour was over, right?”_

_“Right. That would probably be best for both of us, for the band, and just for-for everyone involved, I guess,” Nick reasoned._

_Brian turned to face him, his beautiful baby blues flickering over Nick’s face like that first night they were together, making Nick’s heart clench in his chest._

_“You’re not usually like this, Frack. So rational and distant. Not with me, anyway. You wear your heart on your sleeve when we’re like this and it’s one of the things I like about you. What’s up?”_

_“I don’t want to end this either,” Nick admitted under his gaze. “But you’re my best friend and you’re really special to me. If we screw it up because of this silly experiment or whatever-”_

_Brian pressed a finger to Nick’s lips. “It wasn’t silly. We’re on tour and-and besides bein’ on stage, I’ve felt the most at home with you. I don’t know what that means for me or for us, but just, for whatever it’s worth, please remember that, okay?”_

_Brian’s finger slowly slipped down Nick’s chin._

_“Okay,” Nick whispered. “You’re my home, too.”_

_In a practiced move, Brian cupped Nick’s cheek and then kissed him. But this wasn’t soft or sweet; it was deep and almost bruising. Brian grabbed Nick’s hips hard, too, different from his usually gentle touches of the last few weeks or so. It was more like their first time, when they thought there wouldn’t be another one._

_And that’s when Nick knew it would be the last time, at least for a while. So he sunk into every touch and returned it with equal fervor, burying the secret deep in his heart._

It wasn’t the very last time they were together on tour, but they did end their affair of sorts when the tour ended on New Year’s Eve of that year. Brian said he loved Nick, but he also loved Leighanne and owed it to her to figure out what he was with her, away from the bubble of the tour that was just him and Nick. For his part, Nick was heartbroken but he understood; he said if Brian wanted him, he’d be there.

And so Nick waited for him that following year, pretending he was okay while he watched Brian fall deeper in love with Leighanne. Nick found it especially difficult trying to hide his lingering feelings while the Boys recorded and then promoted their next album, _Millennium,_ that would skyrocket them into superstardom in the States. When they all spent time together as a group, Nick would try to stop himself from staring like he used to.

Then, that summer brought another tour and with it, prolonged attempts at burying his feelings and acting like they no longer existed. When he couldn’t bear it anymore, he found temporary relief in forgettable women that he’d pick out from the crowd on random nights that he didn’t want to be alone. He started to give up until the calendar turned to December once more and Brian caught him backstage one night during the middle of a show, explaining that he needed to talk later, alone. Nick found himself hoping that Brian had missed their time together as much as he did.

However, Nick’s hopes were dashed when he discovered that what Brian had to say was very much the opposite of what he thought it would be.

_Brian stopped by Nick’s hotel room, like he had so many times during the last tour. Nick’s heart raced as he opened the door but the look in Brian’s eyes was nothing like it had been then; it wasn’t lust, love, or even confusion. In fact, Brian’s eyes widened with fear as he bounced on his feet nervously._

_Still, Nick invited him in and asked, “What’s up?”_

_“Frack, there’s something I need to tell you,” he confessed as soon as Nick shut the door behind him. “I thought you should know.”_

_“What is it?”_

_“You know how I took some time to, uh, figure things out after the last tour?”_

_Brian’s eyes darted away from his and he gulped._

_“Yeah, and I completely understood,” Nick replied. “The whole situation was just really screwed up and you wanted to sort through all your feelings or whatever.”_

_Brian stood with his hands clasped together in front of him. Nick wanted to rip them apart and pull him close, like Brian had done to him last year, but he had to resist. He needed to let Brian say whatever he was going to say first. They couldn’t fall back into their old routine that easily, not after nearly a year of avoiding each other and practically pretending it never happened. Or could they be something more again, if only for the rest of this tour?_

_Brian’s mouth fell open and he took a sharp breath. “I sorted through everything as much as I could and I—I love you, Nicky. But I don’t want to wreck our friendship or somehow ruin our careers if-if everyone found out. We wouldn’t be able to keep a secret forever and I wouldn’t want either of us to live like that.”_

_“So you’re breaking up with me, officially?” Nick chuckled wryly. “After nearly a year of making me wait?”_

_“I didn’t make you do anything. You were free to figure out what you wanted, too. I’m not doing this to hurt you. I want us both to move on and clear the air so that you don’t get the wrong idea.”_

_“Well, showing up at my room in the middle of the night doesn’t really help, does it?”_

_“I’m sorry. I explained to you what I wanted to do back then and now that I’ve had some time, I know what I want. I thought you should know first, given our, um, history.” Brian cleared his throat. “And the fact that we will be spending time together on the next leg of the tour and working on the next album and all.”_

_“What do you mean? What should I know first?”_

_“I haven’t told anyone yet, but I guess I owe it to you.” Brian looked down again. “I’m proposing to Leighanne, over the holidays when we go on break for a couple of months.”_

_All the air left Nick’s lungs in a huge exhale, his heart sinking the way it had when they ended their affair last year. Part of him knew it had been over then but he still held onto a flicker of hope the few times Brian had walked by him and brushed his hand against the small of his back, or when he glanced down at Nick’s lips in the middle of a conversation between them. But they hadn’t spent time alone together since the last tour until this heart wrenching night._

_Nick had realized then that he had pointedly ignored how Brian’s eyes lit up when he talked about how much he missed her, especially while the Boys toured overseas that summer, and how he never really spared a second glance at any of the women that Nick snuck backstage. He wanted to be happy that his friend was no longer confused about he wanted, but he couldn’t feel anything but a thousand tiny cuts breaking him open all over again as if it were that December night a year ago._

_He didn’t know how to reply without screaming about how unfair this was to him and to what they had. Their deep, intense bond was nothing like what he had felt with anyone else before or since, and for Brian to throw it all away for a woman he had only known for a couple of years stung him harshly, like Brian had pressed a finger into one of those fresh wounds that he himself had given to Nick._

_But Nick forced himself to look Brian in his bright blue eyes and tell him, “Thanks for, uh, thanks for telling me, I guess. I really don’t know what else to say.”_

_“I don’t either. Nick, you’re-I’m still really sorry.”_

_He tore at one of his flesh wounds until it stained his skin, the words falling from his lips before he could stop himself. “And you’re still my home, Bri.”_

_Brian reached out to him then, his palm resting against Nick’s cheek. “You are, too, just in a different way now.”_

_Brian’s thumb swiped under Nick’s eye and Nick relished the tenderness despite the pain._

_He pulled Brian’s hand away from his face and then took his hand, letting silence fill the air between them until Brian surprised him._

_Brian kissed their joined hands and then reached up on his tiptoes to kiss Nick’s forehead. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”_

_“Wait, can we, um, can we just have one more night? Please.”_

_He knew Brian probably wouldn’t agree but he didn’t know what else to do; he had to try._

_“I don’t know,” Brian hedged. “Last year was the last time anything ever happened between us. I just think it’s best if we let it go. I-I really love her, Nick.”_

_“But what about me? What about us?” Nick pleaded._

_“You’ll be okay. We both will.”_

_“Yeah, of course you’ll be okay,” Nick told him harshly, wrenching his hand away from the one that Brian held. “That’s easy for you to say.”_

_“It’s not easy at all, Nicky. This isn’t an easy situation for me. But I thought you deserved some closure or whatever, because you’re still my best friend.”_

_Nick sighed deeply because he agreed that Brian was his best friend, too, but he was so much more than that, a truth that he denied for nearly a year. Only in losing his chance with Brian did he fully grasp his feelings. Brian clearly didn’t reciprocate them on the same level either, or he wouldn’t be planning to marry someone else._

_However, he respected that Brian told him the news before he even told his cousin. Though that fact didn’t necessarily lessen the pain, Brian was always an honorable guy and Nick admired him for that. It was one of the many reasons for which Nick loved him, too._

_He couldn’t tell all this to Brian and he didn’t know how Brian expected him to react to such a bombshell. But for the safety of his own heart, and probably the good of the band, he swallowed down the rancid taste in his mouth and let it eat away at him instead. Brian had the best intentions at informing him of his plans and he couldn’t fault him for it. Of course, Nick still hurt because of it._

_There was no use in trying to change Brian’s mind or in asking him to stay, if only for the complete closure of sorts that Brian spoke of. He wanted to forget this night ever happened and he wanted Brian to walk out that door. But he also wanted Brian to hold him and never let go._

_Maybe Brian would oblige an innocent request to just be with him again, to share the same space and the same warmth they once had, if only without the heat of the flame that burned between them. Would Nick dig into his own wounds for a little while if only it delayed healing that much longer?_

_He decided to risk the injury, even if he’d only have to bandage himself up again later._

_“Okay, so since we’re best friends,” Nick finally started, “can you do something for me?”_

_“What?”_

_“Spend the night with me, not like old times, but like, to just be next to me, for closure and all.”_

_“I don’t think I can do that. I’m about to make a commitment to someone else and it would be very close to crossing a line that we shouldn’t cross anymore.”_

_“But I don’t want to be alone, Bri. I can’t be. At least not tonight and you’re not engaged yet. Come on,” he urged. “I won’t ask for anything else like this again, I promise.”_

_Brian considered him, those brilliant eyes locked onto his own, and filled with so much concern. Then, his eyes lingered across Nick’s body for a brief moment and Nick shivered. But Brian didn’t surrender to Nick, like he had in the past._

_“I can’t do that,” Brian affirmed. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Nicky.”_

_Those cuts only stung that much more at Brian’s final rejection, but Nick held it together enough to reply to him once more._

_“Okay, then, I-I think you should leave. I’ll see you in the morning on the bus.”_

_“Nick, I-”_

_“Don’t. You said what you came to say. And you don’t want to stick around so just don’t, okay?”_

_Nick glared and hoped it would hurt Brian just as much as he had been hurt. Somehow, he didn’t think that was possible, though._

_“Fine,” Brian said curtly. “See you in the morning.”_

_With that, Brian turned and walked out, quietly shutting the door behind him._

_Nick walked over to the edge of the bed and sat on it, contemplating all that had happened. How could Brian move on and have his fairytale ending, while Nick had to watch on the sidelines and pretend to be happy? Brian was still his best friend so he really wanted to be happy for him; he didn’t want to have to pretend. He didn’t want these feelings anymore._

_Then flashbacks from last year hit him: reverently and gently running his fingers along Brian’s still-healing incision on his chest, tucking his face into that same chest and falling asleep with him after a show, and then Brian’s bright grin as they greeted the morning sun in bed together. An overwhelming wave of sadness crashed over him along with these memories. He didn’t want to cry but he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He sobbed and hung his head, knowing that sleep wouldn’t come easily because last year with Brian, along with that night that had just happened, would haunt him for a long while._

_He wanted something to help him forget it all so he decided to raid the mini-bar. He didn’t care that he still hadn’t turned twenty-one yet. It didn’t really matter since he knew that someone would be charged for it and if he had to pay for it all himself, then he would. Besides, it wouldn’t have been the first time he had drank away his problems. Even if he knew that it wouldn’t solve anything, like spending nights with the endless string of women who he’d been with in the past year, it would be a great distraction to help him make it through another night without Brian._

_So he drank whatever little bottles were stocked in the fridge without even reading the labels on them or grabbing something to mix them with. As he sat on the couch in his room, each swig burned his throat but he didn’t stop until he drank every last drop, trying not to remember that night that he raided the mini-bar with Brian in Dallas, their first time together._

_Unfortunately, he just got tipsy enough to stumble back to his bed and collapse onto it. He stayed awake, thoughts running wild with what the future held for him and for the rest of the band. He wondered how he could make himself appear okay while they finished this tour and then when they continued working on new music. But he didn’t want to think that far ahead. Mostly, he was contemplating how to feign contentment when he saw everyone in the morning, especially Brian, knowing that Brian had moved on when he hadn’t._

_With that thought, he wanted to get up and check if the mini-bar was truly empty but as soon as he tried to lift his head, the whole room spun. After that, he realized that he probably wouldn’t have to think about anything tomorrow, except how to endure a bus ride that hopefully wouldn’t have bumps, either physically or emotionally, along the way._

_But he’d deal with that fallout the next day. He’d make it through, somehow._

It was a rough next few months, but with lots of alcohol, women, and time, he did make it through. He was fairly sure his heart had healed by the time Brian’s wedding arrived the following year, although he spent most of the reception at the bar, burying the wounds that the ceremony had uncovered.

After realizing that Brian’s marriage would last, Nick leaned into a bottle and fell into a few regrettable and tumultuous relationships with various women over the following two decades or so.

Then he met and befriended the woman who would become his wife. He thought he had realized that he shouldn’t waste his life on someone who could never fully return his affections, when there was someone who was good for him and could be with him in all the ways that he needed. So he married her and they had a child together. Nick was satisfied with the life they had built together and he thought he had left his teenage, hopelessly-in-love-with-his-best-friend past behind.

Although, over the years, there were little moments when Nick’s fondness for Brian would return. When Brian would goofily grin at him during an interview or when he delivered tea to his bedroom during the brief time that all the Boys lived in a house together to record an album, those stupid butterflies would flutter as if they were together only yesterday. But he would hold his feelings at bay, blaming nostalgia and loneliness from wishing his current partner was with him.

Still, when he wrote particularly painful lyrics or had to record or perform an emotional breakup song, he generally drew on his experiences with Brian. Whenever he put pen to paper and tried to write some songs for his solo projects or for sessions with the Boys, he found that he poured his heart out with only Brian’s face flashing in his mind, particularly the night of their “official” breakup when Brian told him about his upcoming engagement.

Similarly, when he had to sing a few lyrics about longing for a past love and regretting his mistakes, he could only think of how his romantic and physical relationship with Brian had ended and how good it was when they were together.

When he recorded _DNA,_ the band’s latest album, with the Boys, the feelings were no different. He wasn’t sure why, because he had been happy with his current love. But channeling his past emotions struck him in a way that he couldn’t deny.

When he had gotten into that headspace other times over the years, it was almost like acting or therapy. He would think of his teenage self who had hoped to make a relationship work against all odds. He thought that if he just tried something different or said something different, he and Brian might still be together. He thought of how he had drowned his sorrows the night of the breakup and many other nights after that. Then he had poured all the feelings of those experiences into vocals that the producers could dissect and choose the most emotionally charged take. Usually, he let all those emotions escape in the studio and there they’d stay, only sometimes returning when he’d listen to the final cut with or without the guys.

Although somehow, one song in particular, “Chateau,” lingered in his head the most:

_Took my words, wrote them down, threw them out_

_And now there’s only five left to tell you:_

_Baby, I want you back._

He couldn’t stop thinking about the year after he and Brian had stopped their affair of sorts, while he watched Brian with someone else, and how he had longed to express the truth about wanting him back:

_What if I said it?_

_Baby, I want you back_

_Would you come back around?_

_‘Cause I need you right now..._

_Baby, I want you back._

He didn’t write the words but he felt as if he could have. Despite all the time that had passed, singing them brought him back to those desperate, low moments where he had turned to a bottle, a pill, or a woman to help fill the emptiness instead.

Though he still had to battle addiction on his worst days even now, he thought he had overcome the feelings that led him there in his late teens and early twenties, particularly the feelings for his best friend. Nick really was happy for Brian after all these years, so he couldn’t understand why recording that song had screwed with his head and his heart so much.

A few nights after the recording sessions, he dreamt of waking up to Brian’s smiling face in a bright hotel room. In reality, he woke up in his own dark bedroom and in a cold sweat next to his sleeping wife. Then he told himself that it was just a dream.

But it wasn’t a dream; he knew that it was a memory from when his physical relationship with Brian was nearing its end. The moment in his dream was one of the last few happy moments they had shared as more than friends. That part of their relationship was a secret, as it always had been. Still, the nights they shared remained as clear in his head as if they happened yesterday, along with the precious and sweet early mornings they spent together before one of them had to sneak back to their own room.

Nick really loved Brian then, and he did now. Just like Brian had predicted, their love had evolved and become more platonic and respectful of the people outside of the bond they shared. He didn’t want to act on any physical, intimate relationship between them. At least that was what Nick had thought.

However, recording the album, as well as planning the singles and the upcoming tour, meant spending more time with Brian. Then those dreams and memories flashed right back to his mind with each new minute spent together.

This led Nick to ask Brian out to a private lunch, without any of their bandmates. Nick knew he needed to talk to Brian about his recent thoughts regarding their not-so-recent past even if nothing came of it. Maybe Nick could release these feelings and then forget about them. He wasn’t sure why he chose a place as public as the Chateau Marmont, maybe as a nod to the song that inspired his renewed feelings.

He wanted to laugh at the fact that he had become as cliché as some of the songs he sang, except he knew there was a reason those clichés worked and became hit songs: the feelings behind them were based on real emotions that a lot of people could identify with, or their fans secretly wished they had someone expressing feelings like that to them. Even if Nick wasn’t ordering a bottle of Chardonnay, he would be expressing those feelings to someone, the last person that most of those fans would ever expect.

That was, he would be expressing them, if Brian wasn’t late.

Nick looks down at his very expensive, unnecessary watch and realizes it’s 1:20. He rolls his eyes, upset but somehow not surprised with Brian’s lack of punctuality. He swallows. He looks around. The people at the other tables appear to be chatting with their dining companions or scrolling through their phones, ignoring the person or people they’re with entirely. Maybe no one will notice that he’s here with Brian or they won’t hear their conversation.

However, thanks to the Internet in the palm of everyone’s hand on said phones, the news will spread rapidly, unless he and Brian speak in code or in hushed tones. But that would be impossible; someone would surely catch on and figure them out, setting off a firestorm that he, Brian or their people would not want to deal with. They could always pay off whoever posted about it on social media or they could convince them to delete their tweets.

Then Nick realized that this whole idea of meeting Brian here was too much of a risk, much like his dumb teenage self would have taken.

He pushes the chair out from the table, digs into his pocket and pulls out some money to leave the waiter, although he didn’t order anything. He throws the cash on the table and stands up. He rushes off in a huff, figuring he’ll talk Brian to later and invite him somewhere else less conspicuous. Then he collides with a hard chest in front of him, annoyed at first until he looks at who it is. He smiles. It’s Brian, smiling back at him the way he did that first time they were together all those years ago.

But then, he wakes up again, on his living room sofa in the dark (he sometimes crashes there after catching a red-eye home from the studio, not wanting to wake his wife). This dream felt more real than the other dream even though that one was an actual memory. What was wrong with him? And why did he still feel warm all over, like when he was with Brian?

Why did Nick’s heart decide to start caring for him again?

Maybe, like in his dream in the restaurant, he felt like the relationship was unfinished in some way, like he couldn’t feel true satisfaction with anyone else. Also like in his dream, Brian had made him happy even when he annoyed him.

Still, they had created separate personal lives, independent of each other. What he had with Brian was practically a lifetime ago compared to his more recent, and hopefully forever, partner. Nick married only five short years ago and had a child only about three years ago; hell, his wife had told him they were expecting again. Also, Brian renewed his vows with Leighanne nearly a decade ago.

Nick didn’t want to blow apart a life he worked so hard to build after his affair with Brian ended, nor did he want to wreck Brian’s life. They were more like brothers now, as it had been in the beginning, before that night at Nick’s hotel room and the tour that changed everything.

But what if they weren’t like that? What if Nick confessed that he wanted to be more again? Would Brian accept him and if so, would it only be while on tour, like it was before? What if he invited Brian to lunch, like in his dream, and confessed his conflicted feelings? What if he crashed Brian’s hotel room, like he had shortly after the first night they shared? Would it be awkward or would they fall into the same old routine? Would Nick fall in love again? Or was he just nostalgic for a feeling that was no longer there? Was he ever in love at all?

He wasn’t sure about anything anymore, except that he couldn’t tell anyone. He swore to Brian that they’d take their liaison to their graves and they both meant it. Given all that has happened since then, it seemed even more vital for their secret to remain just that.

Until he decided how to act or if he even should act, Nick would have to catch up, make out, and make up with Brian in the dreams and the memories that haunted him.

**Author's Note:**

> Though I have been a fan of this band for a long time, writing any work of fiction involving them is a brand-new adventure. Whether you have joined me through another fandom or have read one of my works for the first time, thank you! I really appreciate it. <3


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